Is there such a thing as a good divorce? Undoubtedly, divorce is a difficult process, even in the most amicable of cases. Not only are you grieving the end of the relationship, but there are also a number of uncertainties to face;
- What does the future hold?
- Will the children be okay?
- How will they divide their time between us?
- What will happen to the family home?
- Will I get a fair share of the assets?
- Where will I live?
- How will I afford to live, now and in my retirement?
There is no foolproof way of avoiding the emotional, practical and financial fallout that inevitably occurs when a couple separate, but there are steps that can be taken to make the process less painful. At Staffordshire Family Law, we have sought to compile a list of 8 steps we believe separating parties can take to minimise the stress and upset, and achieve an outcome as quickly and as stress-free as possible.
- Try to take a step back
It can be really hard to try and work out with your ex what will happen in the future, when emotions are high, or you feel aggrieved. However, when you are trying to sort out the arrangements for the children, or agree what happens to the finance, it is best to try and put to one side the grievances you have about what has happened in the relationship. Focus on what is best for the children, or in the case of the finances, what would be a fair outcome for you, rather than to try to punish the other party for what they may have done to you in the relationship. Clearly, this is easier said than done! We are all only human after all. You may use your friends and family as a sounding board, but sometimes they can be too closely involved. They may feel protective towards you and they, themselves, may feel anger towards your ex.
Conversely, you may feel guilty if you were the one who called time on the relationship or feel that you shoulder the blame for it breaking down. In these circumstances, you may feel you just want to give in to your ex, and agree the terms they are seeking, whether this is a fair outcome for you or not.
You will need someone who is not emotionally involved, who is a bit more detached, who can help you to take this step back. A good solicitor, whilst acting in your best interests and being ready to present the best case for you, will also be able to give you an outside perspective, focussing on how matters are treated under the law.
- Obtaining specialist legal advice at an early stage.
With the availability of information on the internet and AI tools such as Chat GPT, people may feel that they don’t need to seek the advice of a solicitor. However, family law is not a science. There is not a one-size fits all approach and no formulas for working out the answer. It is important to know the law, but also to understand how this is applied by judges in individual specific circumstances. It is only with the experience of a solicitor practising in family law, that you will have the benefit of understanding how the law will be applied to your own set of circumstances. You will probably want to try and resolve matters without the need for court proceedings, but it will help you to understand hypothetically what a judge would do if your case did get that far. This will guide you in negotiations. A solicitor will also be able to advise you upon the legal procedures, which can seem overwhelming when you are not familiar with the family law justice system.
- Think of your solicitor like a taxi meter.
Most family lawyers charge an hourly rate. Their work is built on a time-costing basis and therefore the more of your solicitor’s time you use up, the bigger your bills. Obviously, you will need to rely on your solicitor but try to avoid situations where you are sending multiple emails with various thoughts and instructions, as the less contact you have, the more money you will save. Minimising costs is also a reason to try and resolve matters by agreement. Court proceedings will take up a lot of your solicitor’s time, which in turn will cost you more in fees. And never use your solicitor as a therapist. A good solicitor is, of course, empathetic to their client’s situations and will want to support them through what is a really difficult time of their lives. However, they are not trained counsellors, and using them as such is not a cost effective way of using your solicitor.
- Get organised
You will often need to collate information and documents in order for your solicitor to be able to properly advise you. Documents are often exchanged with the other person. So, for example, in financial matters, it is standard to exchange evidence of your income and assets such as payslips, P60s, bank statements, pension values. If you can collate the documents that your solicitor advises you are needed, this will enable progress to be made quickly and avoid costs being incurred from your solicitor, or the other side, having to chase you for the relevant documents.
- Don’t argue just out of principle.
Sometimes there may be an issue between the parties, which feels very important to pursue, out of principle. Perhaps it is a disagreement between the parties as to something that has taken place in the past. It might be a particularly emotive issue that each party feels very strongly about. However always question whether it is worth pursuing this principle. If it doesn’t have any material impact on the outcome of the case, it may well be a waste of costs and resources to pursue a point of principle. Ask yourself, ‘does this really matter in the longer term?” Will it have a significant impact on how the finances are divided, or what arrangements are put in place for the children? If you are not sure, a good solicitor will advise you of the relevance of any particular issue to your case.
- Is it worth it ?
Always consider whether it is worth pursuing a point or argument. The more issues between the parties that are argued over, the more solicitors’ costs will accrue. You should be considering the “cost/ benefit” of pursuing a point; what is it going to cost in terms of your resources, energy and legal fees as opposed to what benefit you are likely to achieve?
- Mediation
Talking is often the best way forward when you are trying to reach a resolution. Mediation allows a forum where parties can meet with each other, and an independent trained mediator to facilitate those discussions. This allows parties to explore the possibility of reaching an agreement without the need for litigation, it will involve both parties listening to the other party’s point of view and being prepared to compromise, in order to reach an agreement. A good mediator will help with focusing on the relevant issues, help you to take a step back and seek to resolve matters amicably. Your solicitor can recommend a reputable mediation service and make the referral for you.
- Choose the right solicitor
Look for a solicitor who tries to deal with matters in a constructive way. Resolution is a good place to start. Find a law professional | Resolution . Resolution a group of specialist family lawyers who subscribe to a code of conduct to deal with family law issues in a non-confrontational way. This doesn’t mean the lawyer will not be assertive or argue your case strongly, if need be, but they will work from the premise, that wherever possible, it will always be better for the parties to reach an amicable, and cost effective, settlement.
At Staffordshire Family Law, we have solicitors who are Resolution members, and a Resolution Accredited Specialist, and we can guide clients through their family law issues, with the aim to resolve matters as quickly and as amicably as possible. Obviously, this has to be balanced against achieving a good and fair deal for our clients. But if both parties are willing to adopt a conciliatory approach, they can divorce in the most pain-free way possible.
If you would like to speak to one of our specialist lawyers for a free consultation, please contact the office on 01785 336617 to arrange an appointment.